


Even If It's Just Pretend

by snnycarisi



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, Fluff, Homophobic Language, Homophobic Slurs, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of religion, So much angst, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 13:17:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18605302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snnycarisi/pseuds/snnycarisi
Summary: Jump to the flirting, the endless game of chicken that neither ended up winning. Jump to the tension, the desire, the need to have each other. Jump to the affair. Jump to the secrets. Jump to hiding from the world and each other. Jump to the pain; the endless, splitting pain that consumed both men in each other presence and jump to the fear of what letting go of that pain would mean.





	Even If It's Just Pretend

**Author's Note:**

> Very loosely based on Wildest Dreams by Taylor Swift- it was closer to the song when I started writing but then the angst came through lmao... enjoy!

“I don’t know if I can keep doing this,” Rafael whispered, receiving a non-committal hum from Sonny. What had he expected, really. Tangled together in Rafael’s expensive sheets, all confessions of love and intimacy were lost to the cold sense of dread Rafael felt. It grew in his stomach, ugly and cruel and curled around his organs until he felt hot tears brimming in his eyes. This couldn’t last. It wouldn’t last. He loved Sonny so much it was killing him.

\---

Jump to three months before, when their main witness had fled the city. Her testimony was crucial to their case and the trial started in a week, so naturally Sonny volunteered to drive out to Buffalo and coax her back into testifying.

“You should come Barba, fresh air’d do you good,” Sonny said, relentless cheerfulness sneaking into his voice. That smile. The look that said he wanted nothing more than to take Rafael into his arms and never let go. Neither man had addressed their feelings towards the other but it through the endless flirting and teasing, you would have to be blind not to see it. At least, Rafael hoped. Stuck in the car alone with Sonny all day- it sounded like heaven. They’d probably have to get a hotel too and there was nothing that sounded more appealing than getting to see the younger man in the morning, before he had assaulted his hair with product or had his first coffee. Rafael agreed to the proposition, feigning a reluctance he knew Sonny would see through.

A few hours later, they were on the road. Sonny drove, Rafael watched. Shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows and hair blowing around his face, fighting free from the grip of product; Sonny was the most beautiful person Rafael had ever seen. 

“What?” Sonny looked over at him, that ridiculous grin back on his face noticing Rafael staring.

“Eyes on the road detective,” Rafael replied sweetly. If he was going to flirt, Rafael Barba played hardball. 

That was how it went for the rest of the journey, Rafael shamelessly staring at Sonny; his ocean blue eyes, his golden hair streaked with silver, his pink lips perched in the perfect pout- Sonny, Sonny, Sonny. It was addictive, he couldn’t get enough of drinking in the sight of the younger man. And Rafael was almost certain Sonny would be staring back if he hadn’t been manning the vehicle. The urge to just lean in and seal the gap between them, tasting Sonny, feeling his warmth- It was almost unbearable. Not yet, Rafael told himself, soon but not now. 

Jump to the hotel room they booked (“only one room, wouldn’t wanna blow NYPD’s budget or nothin’,” the detective uttered sheepishly.) after successfully convincing their witness to come back to the city with them in the morning. Rafael practically pounced on the detective the second they were behind closed doors, grabbing at his tie and pulling him down until their lips met. Rafael did not believe in love at first sight or soulmates or any of that crap but he swore the second his lips touched Sonny’s he felt explosions going off in his stomach that left him lightheaded. Sonny hummed a surprised, but not displeased moan and responded to the kiss, hands moving to grip Rafael’s shoulders like his life depended on it. And in that moment, it almost felt like it did. Warm bodies flushed against each other as Rafael deepened the kiss; it wasn’t enough, he needed more of Sonny, all of Sonny.

After removing his own coat, he worked the buttons of the other man’s shirt, lips still connected. Sonny hesitated. Not outwardly, not obviously but Rafael could sense something was wrong. Shirt now open exposing fair chest hair and a small, silver cross, Sonny jerked away from Rafael's touch, breathing heavily.

“We can't- I can't do this,” Rafael had seen the detective in comprising, hell even traumatizing situations and keep his cool- he had never seen Sonny so distressed as he was then. Rapidly blinking away tears and running his hands through his disheveled hair, Sonny looked like he feared God would appear in the room and smite him any second now. 

Rafael's eyes travelled to the cross around his neck, of course religion had triggered this. Sonny was the good Catholic boy, of course he would have some sick issue with his own homosexuality. If it was anyone else, Rafael would be angry, furious even- he was too old to be blown off by confused closet-cases. But this was Sonny. Sonny with a heart too big for his own good, who put all of himself into making the world a little better. Sonny who smelled like vanilla, but in a manly way (only Sonny could, Rafael thought), who's smile could light up a whole room. He could never be truly mad at Sonny. 

“You can take the couch,” Rafael grumbled, words harsh but expression soft. The younger man nodded, his damp eyes swimming with apologies.

Sonny Carisi would be the death of him.

\---

“Sonny,” He pleaded, begging for a fraction of emotion, the smallest sign this was affecting the other man as much as it was him. Sonny had ripped away his pride what felt like aeons ago, he had no issue with begging now. He hauled himself up on his elbows to see Sonny’s expression. Blank. Either Sonny had mastered the act of hiding his feelings, even from himself, or he really did not care what he was doing to the man who loved him so much. Again, what had Rafael expected. 

\---

Jump to two weeks after the hotel in Buffalo. Rafael had been getting his ass handed to him in court and enlisted the help of the detective to ensure his arguments were as good as they could be. You would think things would have been tense between the pair but really they weren’t; both were well practised in pretending they had no feelings towards the other. So when Rafael invited Sonny over for dinner to help him prep, he really had pure intentions. Honest. 

Sonny turned up on his doorstep just after eight, wearing a grey t-shirt and slim, dark jeans that perfectly accentuated his figure. Rafael nearly had to sit down at the sight of him. 

“Sorry, I’m a little late. Got you somethin’ though,” Sonny waggled his eyebrows while producing a bottle of scotch he had been holding behind his back. It looked expensive too. The good Catholic boy knew how to turn on the charm. Rafael smiled in thanks and led the other man inside his apartment. 

They got to work, bouncing ideas off of each other and arguing case law in between bites of the Thai food they had ordered. Spending time with Sonny was so easy and talking with him came so naturally, Rafael barely felt the time passing. Just after midnight, he felt quite confident he could win this case afterall. 

“Stay for a drink? My thanks for helping me out,” Rafael’s pure intentions began to slip when Sonny replied,  
“Sure, why not.”

There, in Rafael’s living room, both men clutched tumblers of expensive scotch on the leather couch, talking about everything and nothing. Rafael loved the way Sonny’s nose and cheeks went pink as he got tipsier. Looking right into Rafael’s eyes, he licked the sweet liquor off of his lips. Suddenly, this had become a game, a game of seduction, a game Rafael intended to win. 

Sonny kept talking but Rafael wasn’t really listening (it was something about seeing a hockey game with his sister’s new boyfriend he thought, honestly Rafael didn’t care), instead choosing to stare at the way the detective's mouth moved. If Sonny had noticed, he didn’t let it show. He’s good, Rafael thought. 

This went on for an hour- both men subtly flirting, the other pretending not to notice. Rafael was bored. He leaned in so their noses almost touched and found himself drowning in the darkening blue of Sonny’s eyes. Painfully slowly, Rafael curled his fingers around the detective’s chin, pulling him in until his breathe ghosted against Sonny’s lips.

“No one has to know,” He whispered. 

Something in Sonny changed, like those words had opened a door in his mind he didn’t even know was there. One hand moved to cup Rafael’s cheek, the other wrapping around his neck as he pressed his lips against the other man’s.

Rafael felt his soul ascend. The kiss was warm, passionate but gentle- very Sonny. Sonny who smelled like fresh laundry and tasted like scotch, who Rafael knew in that moment, he was falling in love with. 

That night Sonny became acquainted with Rafael’s bedroom and over time grew familiar with the looming bookshelves and far-too-expensive sheets. It became their sanctuary; where they could go to forget about pedophiles and rapists, where they could be plastered with kisses through fits of laughter and still claim to only be ‘blowing off steam’- where they loved each other without consequence. Where Rafael was happy, really happy, for the first time in his adult life.  
\---

Jump to an hour before their fight. Sonny barely had time to close the front door behind him before Rafael snapped,  
“You have a girlfriend.” It wasn’t a question. Sonny was taken aback by the accusation, not considering that Rafael did not need detective qualifications to know what was going on.

“Uh, yeah.” He stammered, adding, “Caroline.” almost as an afterthought. Good, Rafael thought, she should stay an afterthought.

Jump to a week before that when Rafael had seen a text come through Sonny’s phone containing a stream of love hearts. Jump to Rafael spending what little free time got in his busy day to search through Sonny’s social media, digging for clues as to who his mystery lover was. Jump to Rafael feeling like a paranoid teenager- how did he even know he had another lover? Could it not have been an affectionate friend? Jump to following Sonny home from the precinct and watching to see who went in or out of his apartment; even though Rafael knew just how wrong it was, just how utterly crazy it made him seem, he really couldn’t bring himself to care. Jump to spotting a woman enter the building and leave the next morning with Sonny’s hand in hers as he walked her to her car, the chivalrous gentleman he was. The woman- Caroline- was beautiful. Tall, with wavy blonde hair that curled around her ears and piercing blue eyes that even Rafael wanted to dive right into. They look like cousins, Rafael thought bitterly.

Jump to driving home and calling Sonny saying he was free if the younger man wanted to come over and unwind- Sonny agreed eagerly. Jump to Sonny knocking on the door and Rafael barely being able to contain the betrayal he felt until the younger man was inside. 

“You have a girlfriend.” Rafael hated her. He hated everything she was and everything she represented. He hated that even then, he knew this would be the last time he would ever see Sonny. He hated her because he couldn’t hate Sonny, no matter how hard he tried. 

An afterthought. She was an afterthought to Sonny but still better than Rafael. He felt sick. He was angry and betrayed and heartbroken but mostly terrified, terrified he would lose Sonny before the other man even knew how he felt. So, he did the only thing he still knew he could do- he pulled Sonny close and kissed him. His arms wrapped tight around Sonny’s waist while Sonny snaked his own around Rafael’s shoulders, in that moment as desperate for the older man as he was for him. Breathing the same air, sharing the same space, Rafael knew this was his home. If only it wasn’t about to be ripped away from him. 

Rafael deepend the kiss, moving his hands to gently tug at Sonny’s surprisingly soft hair. Sonny pulled away ever so slightly, breaking the kiss to rest his forehead against Rafael’s. It was such an intimate gesture Rafael didn’t know if he wanted to cry or to carry the younger man off to the bedroom.

“I want you so much Rafi,” Sonny growled. Rafael felt desire pool in his stomach and pain pour into his heart. If this was the last time, he had to tell Sonny how he felt and he had to do it now.

“I love you Sonny,” He whispered. But Sonny knew, Sonny always knew. And so, they went to bed. 

\---

Jump to the flirting, the endless game of chicken that neither ended up winning. Jump to the tension, the desire, the need to have each other. Jump to the affair. Jump to the secrets. Jump to hiding from the world and each other. Jump to the pain; the endless, splitting pain that consumed both men in each other presence and jump to the fear of what letting go of that pain would mean.

Rafael had spent his whole working life putting criminals- murders- in prison but now he understood. He understood how easy it would be to take a pillow and hold it over Sonny’s mouth until he stopped struggling because if he couldn’t have him, no one else could. He understood loving something so much, you felt consumed by the need to destroy it. 

Maybe he wouldn’t kill him, maybe that would be too merciful. Maybe he would just ruin his life, reveal his secrets to the world, take an axe to the white picket fence he had begun to build until all he had left was loneliness, regret and Rafael. He would resent Rafael for it, but didn’t he already? 

Or, he could do the hardest thing possible- he could let him go. He could let Sonny leave his bedroom and never come back. Let him marry a woman who was nice, non-threatening and the perfect Catholic bride. Let him move back to the neighbourhood in Staten Island he had spent the past twenty years distancing himself from, let him raise his nuclear family there, let him go to Sunday mass with his beautiful wife and beautiful kids. Let the hatred he harboured for himself rot in the pit of his stomach, to be drowned out with too much beer and the occasional hook-up with a male prostitute his wife would never find out about. Let him live the miserable life he had long since decided he wanted, where Rafael did not fit. 

Rafael grabbed at his shoulder, fingernails digging into the soft flesh he had so gently kissed just hours before, “Sonny- Sonny please look at me- what do you want from me?” It was barely a whisper- a whimper more like. Pathetic and desperate, this was who he had become around Sonny. 

“I just wish I’d never met you,” Sonny said with a watery, humourless laugh, still staring into the distance- anything to avoid the pain in Rafael’s eyes he knew he was the cause of. A few months ago he would have paid money to see the older man show any kind of vulnerability. Now, it terrified him. Rafael had bared his soul to him- not only the endlessly gentle and loving parts but the ugly and fearful parts too- and Sonny had repaid him by tearing it to shreds. 

“You’re a coward. You’re a fuking coward you know that?” Rafael spat. He was never one to be above picking a fight. Besides, channeling his heartbreak into outrageous anger felt comfortable, safer than letting his walls down for Sonny to, once again, come through and trample his heart. 

“Well jeez Rafael, I’m sorry I’m not the damsel in distress you want me to be! Sorry you can’t swoop in and save me from myself with a happily ever after, where we have a big fairy wedding and- oh! At work? We get to be the posterboys for equality! NYPD and the city of New York would just love to show off their faggot employees because, look how progressive they are!” Sonny untangled himself from the sheets and frantically dressed himself. He was trying his hardest to appear angry but Rafael could tell, even in the dimly lit room, that Sonny had tears streaming down his face.  
“I get spat on in cop bars and you get followed by the whispers of every defense attorney in the courthouse and my mother cries when she finds out because, an immigrant would have been hard enough on her, but her precious baby boy with another man?” He laughed again, hysteria rising in his voice, “Maybe I don’t know what I want but I sure as hell don’t want that.”

“I hate you,” Rafael choked out, not realising he had been crying until he heard his voice shake as he spoke. He wanted to tell him to leave. To get the fuck out of his apartment until he could see himself for what he was. But he couldn’t. Despite it all he still loved Sonny with all of his being and he knew that when the detective stepped out of that door, he would likely never see him again- Sonny would make sure of that. But he didn’t have to say it, Sonny knew. Sonny always knew. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, looking over his shoulder at Rafael for the last time. In the dark his ocean eyes looked black, like an oil spill. Tainted. Destructive. Choking the life out of everything they touch. He sucked in a short breath and stepped out of the bedroom, then out of the apartment, out of the building, and out of Rafael’s life.

As the door shut behind him, Rafael wept. 

\---

Jump to no time in particular, just another afternoon they spent in bed together; a sense of warmth after a day of chasing cold criminals. The sun was setting. Rafael loved the way the colours of the city changed to reflect the waning light from the sun. He untangled himself from Sonny’s slender arms and wrapped the sheet that was covering them around his waist, provoking a soft giggle from Sonny. He swore everytime he made that man laugh, his heart grew a little bit bigger. Now modest, Rafael stepped onto the balcony to watch the sun slip underneath the skyline he was so familiar with. It was colder than he anicipated and the wind whipped at his now-rosy cheeks as he breathed in the scent of the city. 

Slender arms wrapped around his waist and a bony chin rest against his shoulder, not before peppering it with gentle kisses. Rafael felt his grin enveloping his whole face, his whole body if that was possible. Sonny made him happier than he had ever been; he loved Sonny more than he could fathom. Sonny’s lips, his perfect pink lips, pressed against Rafael’s neck- he was smiling too. 

“I’m never going to forget this, Rafael.”

**Author's Note:**

> let me know if there are any mistakes!
> 
> follow me on twitter @snnycarisi


End file.
